runs
steady to join the
and finds
himself amidst the toil
in the
morning and climbs the
fast
local only to hurry.
Nothing
passes silkily as the
blaring
and the compulsion to
ride
withdraws the sting that a
Mumbaikar
goes through daily.
At the
foot-board hang many as
they
enjoy the ugly green fields,
buildings,
slums and the breeze
without noticing
the menace that
clings
but only do they hurry.
Munching
breakfasts on their way
when
there’s no place to stand
the
climbers roar nicely:
“The
train’s empty, move in!”
The peak
hours being in the
morning
and in the evening
is a must
see for an outsider
where
s/he will locate
the
Mumbaikars who only hurry.
As
unpleasant is the train ride
and the
workplace, peace is found
at home
for some as for others
life has
to move on and on.
Good rhythm, and flow is maintained well, especially in the last 2 stanzas. The first stanza has a few stilted moments however, particularly the 4th and 8th lines. Maybe use the dash(-) to have greater control over the rhythmic flow. All in all though, pretty good; and the end has a nice sense of closure.
ReplyDeleteCriticism always welcome ☺
ReplyDeleteWill update the poem wherever the rhythm has been deviated. Thank you!